Text written by Nina Shekhar (composer)
I was born a quirkhead. I was the little girl who tapped every wall she walked by and believed that vegetables had feelings. I made up thought rituals that I would perform every day to alleviate my fears of losing those I loved. I counted the number of times I swallowed, and I put my hangers in my closet a certain way because I was terrified that one item out of place would trigger the next apocalypse. And it would be all my fault.
I didn’t know that millions of others lived this way, until my seventh grade teacher observed that I wrote sentences in a specific arrangement. I was both amazed she noticed and completely mortified that someone had seen my most vulnerable self that I had been trying to hide for so long. I explained to her that I associate letters and words with certain connotations, and because I like the word “left” better than “right,” I write the words I like better to the left and the ones less so to the right. After hearing about some of my other rituals, she told me about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I felt liberated knowing that I was not alone, but I grew to hate myself. I felt so ashamed that everyday tasks that were so easy to others felt impossible for me to complete.
Through years of counseling and self-healing, most of the tics subsided. But it took me years to realize that having OCD didn’t make me a horrible human being. In fact, it made me a better one because it gave me immense patience and diligence through performing endless compulsions. It allowed me to be more accepting and empathetic towards others. And it made me love those close to me more. My brain will always be wired differently, but maybe that’s okay. And I’m finally proud to be myself – I’m proud to be a quirkhead. This work was created under the aegis of the Gabriela Lena Frank Creative Academy for Music and premiered by Tony Arnold and Third Angle New Music in Portland, Oregon on Saturday, October 21st, 2017. Many thanks to Gabriela Lena Frank for her incredible kindness, support, and guidance while writing this piece, and to Tony Arnold, Ron Blessinger, Greg Ewer, Charles Noble, and Marilyn de Oliveira for their extraordinary musicianship throughout.
Performed by Tony Arnold and Third Angle New Music:
Ron Blessinger (violin), Greg Ewer (violin), Charles Noble (viola), and Marilyn de Oliveira (cello)
Performed by Tony Arnold (soprano) and Third Angle New Music
Gabriela Lena Frank Creative Academy of Music & Third Angle New Music Concert
Portland, Oregon
October 21st, 2017
October 21st, 2017
Gabriela Lena Frank Creative Academy of Music & Third Angle New Music Concert (purchase tickets here)
Performed by Tony Arnold (soprano) and the Third Angle String Quartet:
Ron Blessinger (violin), Greg Ewer (violin), Charles Noble (viola), and Marilyn de Oliveira (cello)
Portland, Oregon
May 4th, 2019
HEAR NOW 2019 Festival of New Music Chamber Concert
Performed by Holly Sedillos and the Lyris Quartet:
Alyssa Park (violin), Shalini Vijayan (violin), Luke Maurer (viola), and Timothy Loo (cello)
First Lutheran of Venice
Venice, California
